Hidden Abuse: The Subtle Damage of Emotional Abuse
- Abundant Team
- Apr 20, 2020
- 3 min read
“I don’t even know what a normal relationship looks like now. I don’t even know what normal is now.”
These were the words my friend spoke to me over the phone, weeks after her break-up with an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Neither of us labeled it as abusive until she stood on the other side of the relationship, seeing for the first time the real damage that came from his subtle mind games and manipulative comments.
There is an immense importance in calling abuse for what it is, and that is why I am now dedicated to educating women on warning signs and red flags in abusive relationships. Emotional abuse is the hardest form of abuse to recognize because it occurs through gradual manipulation that isn’t as easy to identify.
One of the most subtle forms of emotional abuse is what we consider gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological and emotional abuse used to eradicate or alter another human being’s perception of reality to gain influence, power, and control. In other words, it’s the act of causing another to doubt his/her own judgements and perceptions. Below are a few common phrases that gaslighters use to manipulate their victims.
“You imagined that.”
Gaslighters may deny that events actually occurred, or they may distort the event in a way that challenges the victim’s memory. This can look like the gaslighter pretending to forget an incident that took place or creating false details about that incident to further confuse the victim’s memory.
“You should have known.”
Gaslighters tend to project their blame or actions onto victims. This could look like a gaslighter who is cheating, accusing his girlfriend of cheating in order to distract her from his own behavior.
“You can’t take a joke.”
This tactic is used to disregard the victim’s awareness of the gaslighter’s aggressive comments. This often looks like a gaslighter accusing his girlfriend of not understanding “comedy” or “wit” after he says a demeaning and insulting joke.
“It’s because you’re so insecure.”
Gaslighters target what is most important to their victims and attack the foundation of the victim’s identity, and this is a way for gaslighters to readjust the blame from themselves. A gaslighter might tell his girlfriend she can never be important or worthy because of her specific flaws and convinces her their relationship problems will always be her fault.
“Nobody believes you.”
This is a common tactic used by many abusers—not just gaslighters, but its purpose is to persuade their victims they can’t trust or turn to anyone else besides their abusers. Gradually and one-by-one, a gaslighter convinces their victims that every person in their life has turned away from them and would never believe them.
Robin Stern, associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, gave four helpful tips for anyone who might believe they are in a gaslighting relationship:
· Write down incidents that felt manipulative
· Talk to the person doing the gaslighting, staying aware of the tactics
· Know the emotional triggers the partner uses
· Assess whether the relationship can be saved, if the person stops gaslighting 2
Know the signs, and know that you are worth more than the manipulation, control, and abuse. If you or someone you know is a victim of emotional or any form of abuse, Call 1-866-331-9474, chat at loveisrespect.org or text “loveis” to 22522, any time, 24/7/365.
Resources:
Suzanne Rhodes
Comments