If you are like most college-aged girls in America, you are more than likely
unaware of the warning signs of a physically abusive dating partner. According to Break the Cycle, over 1 in 5 college women report actual physical abuse, sexual abuse or threats of physical violence. It’s more than just bruises and a black eye.
The Signs of an abusive relationship often occur before any of that ever happens. A physically abusive relationship often starts out like any other. There are butterflies and date nights, sweet text messages and holding hands, but soon, the abuser will begin to reveal his true self. Here are the early signs you may be in a physically abusive relationship:
Overly involved (asking who you’re with and what you’re doing)
Controlling (what you wear, where you go, who you hang out with, monitoring social media accounts)
Isolating you from friends and family
At first, you may be flattered by your partner’s deep interest in your life. You love that he wants to spend all his time with you. You love that he knows your schedule, who you are with at all times and where you are going later, but soon, these behaviors will become more and more controlling. He may respond in anger when you make plans without him. He may be irritated when you don't reply or call him on his terms. This is usually when things start to escalate. Here are some more signs that may occur further into the dating relationship:
Demeaning comments (“You’re so dumb” or “You would be prettier if you dressed like this.”)
“If you loved me, you would _______.”
Passive aggressiveness
Yelling
Loss or isolating you from your friends
Family members expressing concern about partner being controlling
The first time he yells, you may offer forgiveness or explain it away as a weak moment. You may dismiss the demeaning comment, the withholding affection until you do things his way, and the isolation from your friends and family. You may begin to think these occurrences are your fault somehow or that you can change him. In response, he will claim he has your best interest at heart. He will feel defensive, and the cycle will continue.
This cycle can often end in what psychologists call “codependency.” It’s a slow process and conditions you into believing you cannot live without him. He will give small doses of his unacceptable behavior, and you will have become numb to it. You believe this behavior is normal. You may even feel you deserve it or have created the problems yourself.
This is where the most extreme signs of physically abusive behavior occur:
Frequent fighting and yelling
Choking
Pushing
Hair pulling
Degrading comments (“you’ll never find anyone better”)
Apologizing immediately after abusive behavior (“I’ll never do it again”)
Lack of accountability for actions
Threating harm themselves or you (suicide, using weapons, cutting)
The fighting and yelling get intense and frequent. He pushes you down and then immediately apologizes. When things are good, they’re really good. He treats you like a princess. But without warning, things quickly change. He tells you that no one else would want you, and he can’t live without you. He’ll do better, and you believe him. The fighting and violent behaviors begin again.
Remember, you are worth more. We are not created to live in abuse, violence, and fear. Christ has called us to an abundant life.
If you’ve read any of the signs above and see your relationship reflected in the description, there is help. If you, a friend or a loved one is in an abusive relationship, the National Dating Abuse Helpline will offer immediate and confidential support. To contact the Helpline, call 1-866-331-9474, text “loveis” to 22522 or visit www.LoveIsRespect.org.
Madisen Morris
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